Where It All Began
by LoubaTotoaygo
Summary: Lucy has reached her breaking point, she just wants it all to stop. Will Natsu realise what they had before it's too late? Slightly mature themes, thoughts of suicide. Please read and review.
1. Chapter 1 - Lucy

**AN: Right so, this story just came to me. I'm sure the timeline is all weird and Lucy might be a bit OOC but I wrote what was in my head. I hope you enjoy it.**

 **I don't own Fairy Tail etc.**

It was too much for Lucy. The kiss had been the final straw. For the past few months she had watched as Natsu, her best friend, her nakama, drift further away and into the arms of another. The worst part was that he didn't seem to notice that her world was crumbling. Never had her losses weighed so heavily on her as they did now. Who did she have left? Her mother, gone. Her father, gone. Even Aquarius, tempestuous though she was, had been there from the beginning, those years after her mother had died and she was all alone. Through Lucy's own actions, she was gone too. Now her final thread was breaking.

It would be unfair to say she did not have other people whom she loved and cared for and who loved and cared for her in return. But on a fundamental level, a special few she needed to survive. Natsu was the only one left on that list. She had known for some time that she loved him as more than just a friend. Even when she was angry with him, she was happy because he was there. A single action or word from him could make or break her day. She'd be a fool if she didn't know what the signs meant. Well no, she'd be Natsu. She allowed herself a brief, teary smile as she looked out at the sea. Hargeon, the place where it all began.

Lisanna had returned. Natsu had been so happy. Happy had been so happy. They followed her everywhere as if afraid that she might disappear. A happy little family. Sure, Natsu was always friendly – but these days it was in passing and usually it was to tell her about the adventures the little family had been on. He invited her every once in a while, but she couldn't bear to be around them and would politely decline to go on missions with Levy or Gray, once even Gajeel. She had enjoyed that mission, he hadn't asked her any questions and she'd been efficiently silent, no pressure to socialise. The night time visits stopped. Lucy would never admit to anyone how much she missed the comforting presence of Natsu in her bed, she always felt safe when he was around. But now she never felt safe.

She was being silly, she knew that. So many people loved her, she was so lucky. Her friends at Fairy Tail, her spirits – but it wasn't enough. She needed Natsu like she needed to breathe. When he had walked proudly into the guild holding Lisanna's hand before giving her a chaste kiss, Lucy had felt like she was drowning. The thread that had bound them together had snapped and she was adrift. She remembered blindly walking out the backdoor praying that no one would notice her.

And now she was here, on the cliffs above Hargeon, looking out to sea as the sun was setting. It was a glorious last view. Her life would end in the place where it began. There were better ways to deal with this pain, Lucy wasn't stupid. But she was too tired, too broken to find a way. She had exhausted her final reserves of energy and now just wanted everything to stop. She wanted to rest. If she was lucky, she might even see her parents again.

"Lucy?" she jumped at the familiar voice behind her.

"Hey Loke," She replied without turning. She felt him sit on the grass nest to her, "what brings you here, I don't recall summoning you." She didn't sound angry, just tired.

"What's wrong Lucy? I mean really?" he cut her off as she opened her mouth. "We're your spirits and we can feel something is off with you. It's like a dark cloud is blocking the sun. We're all worried about you, even Aquarius." Lucy felt the tears welling up at the mention of her spirit whom she could never see again. Her fault. "Please talk to me Lucy." She could feel him willing her to look at him but she didn't want to see his face.

"I've just been a little down, that's all. The world has been weighing down on me pretty heavily." She decided there was no point denying there was something wrong as he would know she was lying, so a half truth would do. "I just never have time to myself you know? Recently, I just feel like my life has been a constant string of getting picked on and beaten for being the weakest mage in the group." Her voice cracked and tears began rolling silently down her face.

Loke put his arm around her shoulder, "You know that's not true Lucy." He began.

"Probably not Loke, but that's what it feels like!" she snapped, surprising him. Then she sighed resignedly. "Dodge, taunt, beat. Wash, rinse, repeat." He would have argued with her but looking at her face, he decided to concede her point and change the subject.

"What are you doing here anyway?" he said looking out at the ocean, "you on a job?"

"No," she replied quietly, "I needed somewhere to think, alone. The guild is out of the question. My house isn't the haven it should be. So, I came here, to where it all began…" she trailed off. Something about the way she said it made Loke uneasy. "Even Natsu wouldn't think to find me here, he hates trains." She continued, she almost sounded relieved.

"I guess that's my cue if you want to be alone." He made a mental note to talk to the guild about respecting Lucy's privacy. Normally, he would find these facts amusing and he was pretty sure she didn't really mind. But right now, it was clear she'd had enough. "You know where to find me if you want to talk, all you have to do is call."

Lucy smiled up at him, "Thanks Loke, you're the best." He smiled at her, feeling a little better before fading away as his gate closed. Lucy sighed, that had been exhausting, a monumental effort to make her spirit happy one last time.

There was a gentle breeze as she looked out once again to the horizon and waited for the sun to go down.

 **I hope you enjoyed the first chapter, please feel free to leave a review (constructive criticism is welcome).**

 **If you are having any dark thoughts or are struggling to keep balance in your life, please talk to someone. Even if it is your local Samaritans, a service which is totally free and anonymous.**

 **Until next time.**


	2. Chapter 2 - Natsu

**AN: Hey All, Chapter 2 is up. Read and review. Once again I don't own Fairy Tail.**

Natsu was pretty happy. His family was back together, his nakama were all safe, he'd been going on missions and beating up bad guys, Lisanna cooked him delicious food whenever he wanted, this was the life. There was however, one cloud in the sky. Lucy. It wasn't a problem as such, she was acting perfectly normal. Too normal, Lucy wasn't being her weirdo self. He didn't know what to make of it, its not like he could call her out for not being weird.

She didn't shout at him when he fought Gray or when he destroyed things. He'd even managed to singe her skirt once and she'd just shrugged it off and said, 'accidents happen'. He'd see her talking to other guildmembers, chatting away happily. She went on missions with Levy and sometimes Gray which pissed him off though he wasn't sure why. One time she'd gone on a mission with Gajeel which had been really weird. But they got the job done and neither of them had spoken about it afterwards though Gajeel nodded to her occasionally and she casually saluted back in greeting.

When he thought about it, he hadn't been on a mission with her in quite a while. Normally, Happy would call him out on something like that. But they'd been having so much fun playing house with Lisanna that he must have forgotten. He felt a little bit guilty about that, though Lucy should have said something. He hoped she'd been able to pay her rent this month. Though without him along on her missions she probably wouldn't have to pay any damages.

Come to think of it, he hadn't seen Lucy today. He was certain he had smelt her – her scent of almonds and cocoa butter was unmistakable, but he hadn't been paying attention. That morning, Lisanna had upped the ante on their game of 'house'. She said that couples like them held hands and kissed so people would know they were a family. This made sense to Natsu so he had happily obliged. What he hadn't expected was the guild's reaction.

"Natsu, what the hell?!" shouted Gray from across the room as Lisanna blushed.

"Woooo, go Natsu!" slurred Cana from the bar.

"That's manly!" said Elfman, slapping him on the back, "but if you hurt my little sister then you're a dead man." He continued.

Natsu was confused. For a game of house these were very serious reactions. The one person who didn't say anything was Mira. She was talking with Levy at the bar while eying him holding Lisanna's hands.

"You don't think Lucy saw, do you?" Levy whispered.

"No, I think she left before they came in thank God."

"Why?" Natsu demanded loudly, marching up to them. "Why are you glad Lucy left? You shouldn't be glad your friend isn't here! What's wrong with you?"

"I think the question you should be asking is what's wrong with you flame brain." Said Gray snidely.

"What did you say ice prick? You wanna go!"

"Now is not the time Natsu," Mira interjected, "I think what Gray was trying to say is that Lucy might have seen something that would upset her."

"Why?"

"What were you doing when you came into the guild Natsu?"

"I was playing house with Lisanna and she said that to make it more real looking, mums and dads hold hands and dads kiss mums so everyone knew they were a family." Natsu stated it like it was obvious. Mira gave her sister a long look, Lisanna blushed uncomfortably under her sister's gaze. "Why? I don't understand. Why would Lucy be upset?" The whole guild sweat dropped. Natsu was so dense it was unreal.

"It doesn't matter," said Mira, "the fact is Lucy isn't here so she won't be upset." Natsu began to protest but Mira cut him off, "and Lisanna?" She turned to her sister radiating displeasure, "don't play tricks like that on Natsu again." Lisanna looked defiant but the death glare the She-Devil was giving her made her quail.

"Yes Mira." She said feebly. As the other guildmembers dissipated, muttering about the denseness of Natsu and 'poor Lucy', Natsu remained deep in thought. Everyone seemed to know something about Lucy that he didn't. She was his nakama, he should know everything about her. Maybe it was something to do with why she'd seemed off for so long. He growled in frustration, why wouldn't anybody tell him anything!

"You ok Natsu?" Lisanna asked softly, "do you want some food? I can make you anything you want." She tentatively tucked her hand under his arm.

"No, that's ok." He was frowning. Then he turned to face her, releasing himself from her in the process. "Lisanna, what did Mira mean when she said you'd tricked me?" She kept her eyes to the floor.

"It wasn't a trick really," she mumbled, "it does mean what I said."

"Mira said it was a trick." He repeated stubbornly as he looked down at her. She flinched at the accusatory note in his voice.

"I guess what she meant was that if people didn't know we were playing house then people would think we were in l-love." She stuttered but quickly carried on. "But I don't mind, I'd quite like it if we stopped pretending and started playing for real…" she trailed off as she saw the look on his face.

"Why would you do that Lisanna? You lied to everybody, you lied to me! Is that why Lucy would be upset? She hates liars!"

"Stop talking about Lucy, Natsu! It drives me insane! She's all you talk about when we go on missions! I'm here and she's not, I just told you how I felt about you and you blanked me!" Her voice had risen, making it difficult for the rest of the guild to pretend they couldn't hear the conversation. She started to cry. "Why won't you see me Natsu? I love you!" She lunged at him, determined to kiss him as though it would change his mind but he caught her by the shoulders.

"I love you too Lisanna but not like that. I love you the way I love all my nakama. Maybe when we were kids but not anymore." He turned away from her, "C'mon Happy."

The blue exceed had been watching everything in uncharacteristic silence. He started to follow Natsu nervously. He knew what Lisanna had been up to, he wasn't as dense as Natsu but he didn't think that Natsu would have taken it so badly or so seriously.

"Wait Natsu," Lisanna grabbed his jacket desperately. "Are you going to find Lucy? Don't go!"

He shrugged her off. His instinct was to say yes but to be honest he wasn't in the right frame of mind to be around anyone. It was like a conspiracy against him! Therefore, Natsu would do what Natsu did best in times of uncertainty.

"Nah, I'm going on a job." He grabbed one off the board without looking and handed it to Mira. She logged it without a word and handed it back. Natsu strode angrily out of the guild with Happy in tow. It wasn't until they got home that Natsu bothered to check the job.

"Pirates in Hargeon huh?"

"That's where we met Lucy," said Happy looking over his shoulder, "you remember Natsu?"

"Course I remember Happy!" he lit up but after a thought his face clouded, "back when she was a weirdo."

"Yeah I know what you mean. She didn't even yell at me for stealing her fish the other day, she just went and bought some more,' he said sadly, "she didn't even grumble about money. I mean it was great but I think I like weird Lucy more." Natsu was still glaring at the paper but Happy could tell he wasn't really reading it. "Natsu?"

"Mmm?"

"When we get back, can we spend some time with Lucy? I'm glad Lisanna's back but we haven't spent time with Lucy in ages."

Natsu looked up at Happy, he was right. Her apartment probably didn't even smell like him anymore, when was the last time he had been there? Or held her in his arms while they slept? Too long. Did she still get those nightmares? He felt a pang of guilt.

"Sure buddy, after this job ok? I need to clear my head." They set off.

"You know we're going to have to take the train, right?"

"Whhhhhyyyyy? It's just you and me, we can walk."

"Yeah but don't you want to get back to Lucy?"

"…fine, we'll take the train." Natsu conceded, changing directions and marching grumpily towards Magnolia Train Station.

 **Hope you enjoyed. Like I said in Chapter 1, I'm sure the timeline references are all over the place but again, I'm just writing what's in my head.**


	3. Chapter 3 - The Fall

**Chapter 3 is up. I don't own Fairy Tail etc.**

Natsu heaved on the platform. Never again, what had possessed him to take the train? Faster or not, there was no way he was getting on that thing again, they were walking home. The Mayor of Hargeon wasn't too pleased to see him, he remembered the last time they were there. But Natsu promised faithfully not to damage the port town and information was given about the vague whereabouts of the pirate's hideout. The job wasn't as satisfying as Natsu had hoped. He could smell the pirates a mile away and there wasn't even a decent mage among them so a good fight was out of the question. He did have fun destroying their ship – a little too much fun as some wayward debris managed to hit a church or something. But to Natsu that was MINIMAL damage. The mayor still docked 50% of the reward and threatened Natsu never to darken his doorway again.

Happy grumbled about the fish he could have bought all the way out of town. Natsu remained silent as they walked, he was thinking about Lucy. There had been a moment in the pirate cove amid his destruction he had smelt the faint waft of almonds and cocoa butter on the breeze. He was sure it was just his imagination but it had been enough to bring Lucy back into his mind.

The sun was setting so they decided to take the coast road. High above Hargeon the wind blew westward bringing with it the rich smell of the sea. As the sun got lower, they left Hargeon behind and they could hear the waves crashing against the cliff face below. The direction of the wing changed and suddenly, Natsu could smell it again, the unmistakable scent of Lucy Heartfilia. He unconsciously quickened his pace over the next rise. It had to be her but what was she doing here?

xXxXx

It was time. She had spent her last day in peace. Her mind, which had been a raging storm of hurt and loss that morning, was now calm and resolute. One step was all it took to leave the pain and exhaustion behind. She carefully unhooked her keys and silently said goodbye to each one. She did not want them to go to the depths with her. Lucy took out the Magipost box she had purchased on her way through Hargeon and placed her keys it gently before sealing it up and carefully writing Master Marakov's name and the guild hall address. She wrote the necessary magic symbols and as her pen lifted on the final symbol it vanished. _Goodbye my friends_ , she thought sadly.

Lucy stood up and took one last look at the sky, the stars were coming out. Her eyes cast heavenward, she stepped forward. A single tear fell from her eye as she plummeted towards the waves and the rocks below. Just before she was cast into oblivion, she could have sworn she heard Natsu's voice calling her name.

xXxXx

It had all happened so quickly, he'd been so struck by her beauty. There on the cliff, looking out at the blue beyond, the wind making her hair into a golden halo around her head in the dying light. He hadn't seen how close he was to the edge. As he opened his mouth to call her, he saw her back straighten resolutely as she looked up into the twilight sky before stepping forward and vanishing from sight.

Something more like and incoherent scream than her name escaped from his lips as he jarred himself forward, running as fast as he ever had in his life. He vaguely heard Happy shouting somewhere – his head filled with crashing white noise. Without a pause he leapt over the precipice, just in time to see Lucy vanish beneath the waves.

"LUCY!" he screamed. Happy's tail was around his waist slowing his descent. "Let me go! Happy!" he trashed, swinging at the blue exceed in his distress. Happy was so shocked, he dropped him. Natsu felt the ice-cold water hit him but he didn't care. He dived – once, twice, but nothing. The water was too stirred up for him to see anything. The current was strong at it was all he could do to stop himself being smashed upon the rocks. In his grief and desperation, he cast a silent prayer to the only person he thought would listen, _please Mrs Heartfilia, please don't take her away from me, not yet, I need her_. The salt of his tears mixed with the sea as he dived again, deeper than before. This time he was unlucky, the current swept him into a jagged rock making a nasty gash on his arm. As he flailed for a moment in pain, he felt something soft brush his thigh. On instinct he grabbed what turned out to be a wrist. Lucy! He dragged her towards him, kicking his legs as hard as he could until they broke the surface. Lucy was limp and cold in his arms.

"Happy!" he called as he struggled to keep them afloat. Happy was hovering above the water a few metres away, whipping round at the sound of Natsu's voice. "Happy take her! I can get up on my own."

"Aye!" Happy carefully wrapped his tail around Lucy, even partially submerged he could tell she wasn't in good shape. He flew up quickly, blinking away the tears that blurred his vision. He heard a roar and the hiss of steam before Natsu shot past them, up and over the cliff with a thump.

"Luuucy." Groaned Natsu as Happy placed her gently on the ground. He staggered over, collapsing to his knees next to her unmoving body. "Lucy! Luce!" He shook her, she was ice to the touch and her lips were blue.

"Natsu, she's not breathing." Wailed Happy.

"No! C'mon Luce, please!" Tears were forming in his eyes as reality started to hit. "Please Lucy, don't leave me." He crushed her to his chest, "please, I need you, please don't leave me." He heard a hoarse cough over his should, it was the most beautiful sound. He quickly put her down as she heaved up sea water. "Luce?" he stroked her face as the coughs died away. Her eyelids fluttered.

"Natsu?" she slowly focused on him, "Natsu?"

"Luce."

He was shocked when she started to cry, "Noooooo, why did you save me?" Natsu felt like he'd been punched in the gut as she sobbed. "Mom." Was the last thing she whispered before passing out again.

Natsu didn't move. She didn't want to be saved? She had stepped off the ledge on purpose? Why? What had happened to her? He gazed at her, she seemed so small and broken. There was blood seeping out of a wound in her stomach and bruises were already starting to form. He had known something was off, but this? Why hadn't she come to talk to him? Natsu took some deep breaths. Now wasn't the time for these thoughts. As if in a dream, he patched her up as best he could and picked her up. She was still freezing so he warmed his body up a few degrees. When had she gotten so thin? It was like carrying a child. Happy was still crying beside him.

"N-natsu, is Lucy going to be o-ok?" he sniffed. Natsu couldn't answer. He still couldn't believe that Lucy, his Lucy, would do something like this. He was still reeling from the terror of watching her die before his eyes, well almost anyway. The years of his life had stretched out ahead of him without Lucy by his side. He felt her shallow breaths on his chest and he pushed all the feelings down.

"C'mon Happy, we need to hurry. Lucy needs a doctor."

 **AN: So I decided Natsu probably wouldn't know CPR. He would just get bloody lucky when he crushed her and dislodge some water. Read and review please.**


	4. Chapter 4 - The Guild

**AN: Chapter 4 is up, please review. I don't own Fairy Tail etc.**

A week had passed since Natsu had brought a bandaged and broken Lucy back to the guild. He had taken her straight up to the infirmary, refusing to speak to anyone but the Master. It had been a long conversation, at one-point Natsu's howls of anguish erupted from the room before slowly dying down. When the Master returned, he gathered the guild to him.

"My children, I have some very upsetting news and I must beg you not to interrupt me until I am finished."

"Master is Lucy alright?" began Erza.

"I SAID NOT TO INTERRUPT!" he bellowed, shocking the guild as Erza shrank back. He took a deep breath. "It pains me to tell you this, my children, but Lucy tried to take her own life." This announcement was followed by gasps, Lucy? Their Lucy? "It was by the merest sliver of good fortune that Natsu was there to prevent her plan from succeeding. As you can imagine, Natsu is…" he trailed off. "Upset." He finished lamely. "I ask that you do not interrogate him about the detail of how or why. Suffice to say, this was premeditated as I received her keys by Magipost moments before her attempt." For once the guild was silent, bar a few sniffs and sobs.

"Master, how?" whispered Mirajane. He sighed.

"She stepped off a cliff near Hargeon." Further gasps.

"No." said Gray unsteadily. "Lucy would never do something like that. If something was wrong she would have told us."

"She didn't even tell her spirits." The Master replied gravely. "I have spoken with Loke. Apparently, he tried to talk to her just before she… her attempt." He paused before rallying himself. "She insisted she was only feeling a little down. As a celestial spirit, there was nothing he could do when sent back by his Master. He will now remain in the Spirit World to comfort those of Lucy's spirits who cannot make it through to see her without being summoned."

The guild had been quiet since then. No fights, no brawls, no parties, even Cana was sober. Lucy still hadn't woken up and Natsu hadn't left her side. People still went on jobs but there were no tales of excessive destruction. No one knew what to do with themselves, a cloud of guild had descended. Had she really been that unhappy? How had they not noticed? Sure, she had been a little quiet recently, maybe off her food a little, smiled in a way that didn't quite reach her eyes, went home early… turned up later. The signs were all there when you looked for them.

Upstairs, Natsu sat quietly staring at Lucy's face. She was so pale, she would have looked dead if it weren't for the rise and fall of her chest. He couldn't even cry anymore; his tears had run dry. Lucy, his Lucy, why? Why would she do something so terrible? Didn't she know what it would do to him? To the guild? The moment when she had vanished from his sight, the moment when she had been blue in the face and he hadn't known what to do, they played over and over again in his mind. He was so ANGRY at her. He tried to squash the feeling but it was impossible. He felt angry at himself too. Yes, she should have told him something was wrong but he should have known. In his heart, he did know something was wrong, but he was having too much fun with Lisanna and Happy to pay any attention and now the pain and the guilt were threatening to tear him apart. What would he say to her when she woke up? Would he even be able to face her? He shook himself, of course he would, what mattered now was that she did wake up. "Luce please," he whispered, clasping her hand, "please come back to me. I don't know what to do, you have to tell me."

Happy was lying curled up by Lucy's side. Like Natsu, he hadn't left her since they had brought her home. This was partially due to not wanting to leave her but mostly due to him not wanting to leave Natsu. He would never forget what felt like endless miles of silent tears as they carried Lucy to the guild or the anguished sobs as Natsu finally told the Master what Lucy had done – or at least tried to do. He felt Lucy stir slightly, the rhythm of her breathing changed. His head shot up.

"Natsu! Natsu I think she's waking up!"

"Go get Wendy and Gramps right now."

"Aye sir!" and with that he zoomed off. Natsu was left alone as Lucy stirred, her fingers twitched and she let out a little grown of pain.

"Mom." She whimpered, before opening her eyes. As soon as she saw Natsu, tears welled up and rolled down her cheeks. Natsu had waited and waited for this moment but now it was here he didn't know what to do. He hated her tears, but he needed to know.

"Why Luce?" he whispered softly, "Why would you do something like this? Why would you leave me?" _All alone_ , were the words unspoken. Lucy only cried, wails of pain and hurt coming out in gushes. Natsu felt the anger bubbling up again, she would not answer! She wouldn't even look at him! "Lucy why?!" his voice started to rise, "Why would you do something so stupid! Why didn't you tell me something was wrong? You could've died!" His voice broke, "You could have died Luce…"

"That's enough Natsu." Ordered Master Marakov as he entered the infirmary. "Lucy," he smiled, "I'm glad to see that you are alright. I decided not to bring Wendy to see you, I hope you will forgive me, she is too young to understand and is very upset." Lucy had calmed down a little and merely nodded. "There will be a time for questions, but not now. I only came to see you to give you these." He pulled her keys out of his pocket and she visibly flinched.

"Take them away! I don't want to see them Master. Please take them away." She began to sob again.

The Master looked at her sadly, "I understand my child, I will keep them safe until you are ready."

Natsu couldn't hold it in any longer, "What are you talking about Luce? Those keys are your friends! Why are you abandoning them!" the temperature in the room began to rise. "How do you think they feel huh? Loke's so torn up, like it's his fault but it's not! It's yours!" he knew the moment he'd gone too far. The rage that had bubbled up vanished and was replaced with guilt, but the words couldn't be unsaid. He saw something die in her eyes and they became lifeless. "No wait Luce, I didn't mean that." He tried to back track.

"Natsu I think you've said quite enough." The old man didn't sound angry, just sad. "Lucy needs to get some rest." He turned to her, "I'm sorry Lucy but now you are awake someone will always be here with you." Lucy's shoulders sagged and she nodded mutely. "We cannot risk losing you my child, you are too loved. If you need me I will be here and I hope soon you can tell me what led you down this path." This time Lucy didn't even react, her eyes were dull as she stared at nothing. Marakov sighed, "come along then Natsu, Erza has decided to take the first watch."

"No! I have to be here! Lucy needs me!"

"Natsu I was not asking!" Marakov thundered, "you need rest, you've been here a week. You're tired and confused. Or you can stay here and let your tongue run away with you some more."

Natsu felt his cheeks redden with shame and he nodded. He hesitated before taking Lucy's unresistant hand. "I didn't mean it Luce, what I said. I'll come back tomorrow ok?" She made no sign that she had heard him. He sighed and placed her hand gently back on the bed before following the Master out. They met Erza in the corridor and Natsu was shocked at the look of fear and uncertainty on her face. As he entered the guildhall all faces were turned up towards the infirmary and all wore the same expression. He realised Erza was the only one brave enough to take the first step, the others were too afraid to see their nakama, as though she had turned into something alien and incomprehensible. As he left, he vowed that he would do whatever it took to bring HIS Lucy back from whatever horrible and dark place it was that she had gone.

 **AN: Once again, if you're having any of these issues please talk to somebody. I think this is going to get harder to write this as I've had some experience with this myself and it brings back some painful memories. Depression effects everyone differently, this is just how I remember it. Until next time.**


	5. Chapter 5 - Shades of Grey

**AN: So it seems that after a year's hiatus I'm back in the frame of mind tor write this story. I re-uploaded the previous chapters sans some typos. Hopefully I get a few more chapters out before I stagnate again. I don't own Fairy Tail.**

Lucy's world had turned grey. People came and went, she didn't pay much attention to who. Most asked her questions, cried, glared or chatted happy nothings at her. All judged, she could tell. They thought she was weak and pathetic, she couldn't blame them – it was true. She was so tired all the time, so she mostly slept through these visits. Well, they were more like guards, making sure she didn't try anything again. They had it all wrong, she was too numb to even get out of bed, let alone make her way to the window or the medicine cabinet or whatever.

Part of the reason she was so tired was that she didn't really eat. The thought of food just didn't appeal to her and the thought of putting food in her mouth and swallowing it made her feel physically sick. Tears came whenever Mirajane delivered a tray of carefully prepared meals to tempt her into taking a bite. To be fair, she pretty much cried about everything these days. But they were silent tears and she let them flow, there was nothing she could do to stop them.

Every passing day the world became greyer as she contemplated her own worthlessness, how she was wasting everyone's time. Especially Natsu's. He was there all day, every day. Quietly watching her, never speaking unless spoken to. Before, she would have thought it was amazing and probably hilarious that he could keep so quiet and still for so long. Not now. She didn't care, she didn't care about anything anymore.

Oddly, a moment of respite came when Gajeel visited. It was probably because she felt that Gajeel really didn't care. It was hard to disappoint someone who didn't care about you. This logic comforted Lucy.

"Bunny Girl."

"Gajeel." She watched him perch next to her, arms folded. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"The Shrimp is ill, promised I'd come keep watch." He grumbled, "you gonna eat that?" he asked, gesturing to the tray Mira had left about half an hour ago.

"Be my guest." She smirked as he promptly snatched a sandwich and began to scoff it down. "Geez metalhead, Levi's got you hooked round her little finger."

Gajeel almost spat out what he was eating. Lucy couldn't help but chuckle slightly at the thought of the big, tough Gajeel under the thumb of one of the smallest mages in the guild. "Shut the hell up Bunny Girl!" he growled. But Lucy could tell there was no real venom behind it. He continued to grumble under his breath. Then, he glared at her, "could you do me a favour?"

"Depends. What is it?" she was intrigue. As the colour began to rise in his cheeks she almost squealed before he shoved a half-eaten sandwich in her face.

"Eat this so I can tell the Shrimp you did." He said gruffly.

"Are you serious?" he wouldn't meet her eyes, but his cheeks got even redder.

"Look just do it ok? I'll owe you one." She looked at the sandwich, a standard BLT now half the size thanks to Gajeel's greediness.

"You'll owe me one huh?"

"Yes! You want it in blood?! Just eat the damn thing!"

Lucy really didn't want the sandwich, already the smell of the bacon was making her stomach turn. But Gajeel was asking for his own selfish reasons which she didn't mind. She needed to eat something anyway and this way she gained a favour. "OK, I'll try." She said quietly, taking it from his hand. She subconsciously squashed it, trying to make it as small as possible before breaking off tiny pieces to eat as they talked. "So, how's life?"

"Boring, the whole guild's been like a funeral since you tried to top yourself." She heard a sharp intake of breath from Natsu's corner. "This is the most fun I've had all week."

Lucy seriously doubted that. "Oh yeah?"

"Sure, why not."

Lucy chewed her little piece of sandwich thoughtfully. She swallowed, "so you're not going to ask me?"

"Nah, I figured when you're ready, you'll talk. You're too smart to have made a stupid decision like that without a reason."

"That seems a bit oxymoronic to me." Gajeel gave her a look. "How can you be smart and make a stupid decision." She clarified.

"Desperate people do desperate things." He replied shortly. They sat in silence for a while as she finished the sandwich, then Lucy lay back and fell asleep. Gajeel sat a while before getting up and walking to the door, casting a sideways glance at his fellow dragon slayer who appeared deep in thought. "Don't push her flame brain, she'll come around in her own time."

xXxXx

Natsu was livid. Nothing for weeks, just tears and silence. Then the iron dragon slayer had just waltzed in, struck up a conversation and gotten her to eat! Somehow, he felt betrayed, like Lucy had chosen Gajeel over him. He replayed the conversation over again in his mind. Why? Why could Lucy talk to Gajeel and not him? They were best friends! Unless… unless he was the problem. He tried to think back to when he had begun to notice something was wrong, but he couldn't, all he could remember was being with Lisanna. She had returned from the dead and suddenly she was all that mattered. He cursed himself. Of course, Lucy would let herself fade into the background. She knew how much Lisanna's 'death' had hurt him. And of course, she would put his feelings before hers if she was unhappy. That was just the way Lucy was – the biggest heart in the guild but also the most fragile.

He sighed, the fact remained that she wasn't getting any better and he had never felt more helpless. He looked around the room; white walls, white bed, clinical and efficient – just like a med bay should be. A rare moment of clarity struck him. Lucy didn't need this! She was sick in the head, not in the body! She needed familiarity and comfort, her own little safe space. He had to get her home. But nobody had been there in weeks, it would be cold and empty. He was useless at all that stuff. He stood up, he'd ask Mirajane for help, yeah, she'd know what to do.

He heard Lucy moan in her sleep and made his way over to her. She looked so pale and fragile. Her skin was dull, her golden hair limp and lifeless. Even in her sleep she looked haggard, as if her waking worries followed her in to her dreams. Natsu took her hand gently and was surprised to see some of the worry leave her face. "Natsu…" it was barely a whisper, but he heard it. Natsu didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She wanted him, she needed him, she just couldn't talk to him yet. Yet. He would change that, he would make Lucy so happy she would never have a sad thought ever again. He felt all fired up!

"Natsu?" Gray's voice came from the doorway. Natsu reluctantly let go of Lucy's hand and turned to face him.

"Look after Lucy for me popsicle, I have something to do." He strode purposefully out of the room.

Gray was too surprised to respond to the insult, Natsu had been _grinning_. He looked at the celestial mage in the bed and felt guilt stir within him as he was relieved she was asleep. The first couple of shifts he had tried to talk to her, reason with her about what had happened. But she only looked at him with dead eyes or stared out of the window. He still didn't understand why she had done it. Despite the Master's warning, he had asked Natsu about that day – and quickly regretted it. For the first time ever, he saw tears in Natsu's eyes as the dragon slayer had turned on his heel and walked away without a word. Whatever Natsu had planned, he hoped it worked. Lucy may not realise it right now, but she wasn't the only one suffering.

 **Well there you go, Chapter 5. I hope you enjoyed it.**


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